A Food Diary – The Shock

So, last week, I blogged about how I started to keep a food diary.  And although I have not yet received this “lift altering” diet (note the sarcasm), I was shocked (I think) by just how much I was eating.  It wasn’t as much as I thought, but it is still way more than what it needs to be.  If you consider that before falling pregnant, I had maybe one full meal a day with some grazing and snacking in between – now I am having three full meals, with a lot of grazing and snacking in-between.  I can easily say that I am eating maybe three times what I used to eat, which maybe could explain why I am still 10 kg’s heavier than what I was…

The thought that formed in my head that we need to eat just enough to sustain our lives – we don’t live to sustain our eating.

And so far, I have been pleasantly surprised – I am eating a lot more than what I need to.  I can see that.  We have sent my eating diary through to whomever will be giving me a diet to aid my starvation needs.

Do I surrender?

Yesterday, I received a blog post from Sheila Wray Gregoire and basically she was saying that we embrace our sexuality by surrendering to God and trusting in Him.   Everything she wrote about embracing your sexuality and using excuses such as I’m British is just that – an excuse can apply to me and my anxiety.  I can’t ever use the excuse that I can’t lose weight because I am fearful or anxious – because that is just an excuse.  I need to surrender myself to the word of God and to allowing God to change my heart and my mind to being more like Christ.  

And somehow I can’t image Christ being overweight, or obese, or battling eating disorders.

And so, as I persevere, I remember what God’s word says:

Be perfect therefore as your Heavenly Father is perfect.  Matthew 5:48

In God do I trust!

A Food Diary!

Dum, dum, dum!!!

Yes, I am now keeping a food diary.  I have always been totally against keeping a food diary, because my theory has always been to change how one thinks about food and that will show itself out naturally in one’s relationship to food.

Working?  Uh, not much...

My biggest issue isn’t so much wanted to eat as it is scared of not eating.  And yet, there is this thought forming in my head that we need to eat just enough to sustain our lives – we don’t live to sustain our eating (well, at least we shouldn’t live to sustain our eating).  And I am also realising that action, combined with new thinking, is what changes what we do and think.  I can’t just focus on the one side of the coin.

And so far, I have been pleasantly surprised – I am eating a lot more than what I need to.  I can see that.  But, I am also eating a lot less than what I thought I was.  Which may just be a good thing.  Anyway, we (hubby and I) met someone who can work out an eating plan based on what we’re currently eating.  It will be embarrassing to give this to her, because I eat mostly from anxiety and not from hunger, but at least having a plan will mean I have a way to make sure that my body is receiving healthy nutrition and is being sustained effectively.  From there, I have something to work with: i.e. if I’m feeling anxious, but I have eaten according to my eating plan, I can lay my anxiety to rest, because I have eaten according to my eating plan.  Or, if I’m feeling anxious and I haven’t eaten, I have some ideas on what to work with instead of just striking out with toast (and loads of butter and Marmite) and coffee.  She has asked that we keep a food diary for three days, but I am going to do this for a week, because I am far more in control of my eating at work than I am at home.

Am I nervous?

Yes, yes, I am.  I am going to be giving up my control – the control of eating and food that I think I have and learning a new way to relate to food.  And learning something new is never easy.  I worry about how I am going to react, can I control my anxiety and my cravings, what if my sugar drops, or I start to feel sick?  So, the most important thing I will be doing here is surrendering control.  I don’t know if I have it within me to do this.  But, I do know that I have a God who loves me more than anything, who is completely invested in banishing fear from my life and to make me more like Christ and who is completely and totally on my side.  So, yeah, tomorrow I may wake up and decide I can’t do this.  But, somehow, I have to push through.

Where angels fear to tread…

And then I am scared of failure –

What if I am caught in this limbo of fear and anxiety for the rest of my life?  Never really moving beyond this or getting out of it; always stuck in could’ve, would’ve, should’ve…  And never reaching that goal of eating and honouring my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit, or giving my husband what he married, not what I’ve become…

In God do I trust!

Being transformed!

I’m reading a lovely, but difficult little book called 12 Truth That Will Change Your Marriage by Nina Roesner.  In the chapter on submission, she speaks about all that she did to look like an authentic Christian and why that failed.  You see, you can’t look like a Christian.  You have to actually BE one.

And it is hard.

You can have your check list of things you need to: give to the poor, be kind, be loving, don’t swear, don’t drink, etc, etc, etc…

But, it doesn’t mean much unless change comes from the heart.  All too often, you see people lose a lot of weight.  Only to put it all back on again, because their hearts have not changed.  They have not changed their relationship to food or how they interact with food.  True weight loss – and I believe this with all my heart – can only come when we change our relationships with food.

If we don’t do that – we will always battle with food.  And that change can only come through Christ.  Only He can truly change who we are – through grace, love and redemption.  While we, on our own, can have a certain amount of effectiveness in encouraging change, with true change comes from God.  True, long-lasting, effective change…

So, it is my prayer for God to come into my heart and to teach me to relate to food and eating in healthy, God-honouring ways; to take the fear and anxiety out of my heart and replace it with peace and love – to change this heart of mind from a “I can’t” to a “I can through Jesus Christ”; to teach me how to submit and respect my husband.

That is my prayer!

Still stepping…

… one foot in front of the other – one step at a time.  Sometimes two steps back, and one forward, but at least – I think – I am facing in the right direction.  Having come from a background of being naturally skinny, and never needing to really go on a diet, I had no idea it would be so difficult to lose weight.  But, the difficulty isn’t so much in dieting – we all know what we should do to lose weight, be healthy and be fit, i.e. focus on what you eat, focus on how much you eat, make sure you exercise.

The difficulty comes in actually doing it.

And that is where changing one’s thinking comes into play.  When you start to think differently, the theory is that you will start to act differently, thereby achieving your desired result.  However, the converse is also true, when you start to act differently – very often your actions cause you to think differently – thereby also achieving your desired result.  In other words, actions needs to accompany thoughts, and vice versa.

And yet, losing weight, maintaining that weight loss and not being paranoid about it isn’t easy.

It’s very, very difficult to do.

And sometimes, when I want to run ahead or I’m getting frustrated that this is taking so long, I remember that when I started running, it took a while before I could run 5km without having to stop to take a breathe…

It takes time!

Rome was not built in a day!

As frustrating as it is, the only thing I can keep doing is to continue working on my actions and my thoughts and almost forget about the results – until the day I do start seeing the results.

Does any of this make sense?

I surrender…

I want what I had before I fell pregnant.  I mean, I want my life as it is now – I just want the body I had before I fell pregnant.  Before pregnancy gave me the opportunity of defeating what turned out to be nothing more than my own negative thinking and lies.

But, so much has changed since that time that I don’t even know if it is possible to go back.

Only forward...

My life and diet now is so different to what it once was and I deeply regret believing the lies.

However…

I know that God is in the business of redemption, of wholeness, of restoration…  And so I cannot fight this battle anymore.  Not on my own.  I need help, I need guidance, I need grace.

And so I surrender to God and ask Him to show me, to teach me, to guide me – to teach me self-control and to glorify Him.  This fight I can no longer do on my own…

I surrender…

Changing my mind

Well, I have lost some weight.

And as I’ve gotten on the scale to see, the whole fear and old haunting voices have come out to challenge me:

You're no good!
You'll never succeed!
What if everyone sees the real you - 
what will you hide behind then???
What if you get so skinny, you get sick and die?
What if I choke and get so skinny - and die?

Yes, these are the thoughts running through my head.  And I have become painfully aware of my power.  My power to choose.  To choose to believe the lies.  Or to reject the lies and search for the truth.  And what is the truth?

The truth is that I can step out into the sun, I can feel the gentle breeze on my face.  I can break down the walls I’ve been hiding behind my entire life.  In Jesus, I am safe, loved and accepted.  I can embrace my husband and my life as blessings from God.  I can embrace God who loves me completely.  I can trust in who God created me to be.  I can trust God will always guide me saying, “Here is the path.”  I can trust God has created me fearfully and wonderfully.  I will NOT give up.  I will reap the harvest of blessing if I do NOT give up.

So, as tempted as it is to follow the well-worn paths in my brain to believing the lies, and falling down the well again, I can choose to believe the truth.  This time, I am focusing on God’s word, His truth and His unending love for me.

My reasons for wanting to lose weight!

Yesterday, was a tough day for me.  I had sugar lows that I was shaking, but I had eaten.  And I had eaten what I would normally eat – so it wasn’t like I was missing out or anything.  Then, I had a protein shake to help stabilize my blood sugar – then I felt so full, I couldn’t even eat supper last night.  Okay, I did – but it was a small portion.

And once again, I just go despondent, but then I thought of my post from last week.  I can’t tell you how much that helped.

There is a reason why I am on this journey – stinking thinking got me into this mess.

Correct, positive and healthy thinking will go along way to getting me out of this mess.

And one of the ways to correct your thinking is to remind yourself why you’re doing something in the first place.

And I have TEN solid reasons for wanting to lose weight:

  1. I want to lose weight to get back to my true self – before negative thinking and destructive self talk took over.
  2. I want to lose weight to be fit, slim, trim and healthy.
  3. I want to lose weight to run faster and better.
  4. I want to lose weight because I want to look like an athlete – not a wobbly, middle-aged mom wannabe…
  5. I want to lose weight because I want to give my husband who he married -a slender, healthy wife.
  6. I want to lose weight because I don’t want my life to revolve around food, and eating at every opportunity – that’s not how I want to live my life.
  7. I want to lose weight because I don’t want to live my live succumbing to cravings that I seem unable to control.  I am stronger than this!  I am made from sterner stuff – I don’t have to be controlled by my stomach!
  8. I want to lose weight to give glory to God for my victory over negative thinking, and destructive self-talk.
  9. I want to lose weight to give my daughter a healthy concept of what it means to be a woman.
  10. I want to lose weight to prove to myself that I can do this

Even now, just writing these reasons over again, it helps – I still find it quite ironic that before I had Baby Girl, I was wanting to gain weight, believing I was too skinny.  Now, I’m wanting to lose weight.  Whether you want to gain or lose, you need to know the why…  It helps!

What is your reason for wanting to lose weight?