Weight Gain.

I have gained weight.


I am trying to watch what I eat.  I am trying to exercise more.  I am trying – but clearly what I am trying to do isn’t working.

Perhaps it’s hormonal.  Or laziness.  Or sugar resistance.  Or something… Isn’t it so much easier to blame something outside of ourselves?

The truth of the matter is that I eat too much.  Quite simply, the inflow of food exceeds the outflow of energy.  It really is that simple – even I, who was quite useless at Maths, can figure that one out.  But, I suppose more importantly is the WHY…  Why do I consume so much food?  Or more importantly, why do I not see just how much food I am consuming?

It’s simple…

The first why is that I am scared.  I eat because I am scared.  What am I scared of?  Not existing, making a fool of myself, being teased (that one stems from my childhood): I eat all the time because I have this fear driving me to eat.  It’s not a fear of any one particular thing; its more that I have a fearful nature and eating helps to calm that nature.  Kind of like carrying around a heavy sack just filled with a boat load of fear and anxiety.

And as for the second why – well, when you’re hungry (whether actual physical hunger or emotional hunger), when you see food you tend to eat it.  I’m always asking for more…

And my why for asking for more?  Just in case…

Just in case I’m hungry later…

Just in case I have a sugar low (yeah, fat chance of that happening)…

Just in case I can’t eat later…

Just in case I’m bored…

Just in case I’m scared…

Just in case…

Just in case…

Just in case…

I think I need to rather try:

I’m not going to have seconds just in case I gain more weight.

I’m not going to eat that sugar coated food item just in case I get diabetes.

I’m not going to eat and eat and eat just in case it incapacitates me from truly living life.

Why is health and weight and diet so difficult to manage?

Why can I see all the why’s and what if’s, but I feel so powerless to do anything about it?  Where do I get the power or discipline or focus or whatever is needed to eat a healthy, sustainable, organic diet and actually want to do it?



A losing battle…

Towards the end of last year (end of November’ish), I put my back out after one particularly hectic boot camp session.  And I still have not been able to go back.  Sigh…  I just can’t seem to win.  Anyway, I’m off to the Chiropractor on Monday (had to wait for the New Year so we had new medical aid benefits).


All is not lost.

Hubby and I were in Cape Town over Christmas and I ran the Durbanville Parkrun at Meerendal, as well as the Greenpoint Parkrun.  And I ran a couple of trail runs in between, which considering my rather substantial size at the moment, is quite a feat.  So, while I can’t do the strenuous exercises of Boot Camp, I have been able to run.  I’m still eating everything in sight, and my goal for this year is just to learn to eat slowly: take small bites and eat slowly.

You have to change your mindset about diets and the way you eat, otherwise you will always follow the same old habits.

And that is what I am trying to do…  Change how I think about my health, my weight and getting fit…

I hate diets!

Seriously, I do.  I have never been on a diet in my life – Oh, I sort of toyed with the idea of going on a diet, but actually doing it?  Never…

The thing is – I don’t believe in diets.  I believe in moderation.  And perhaps that is my problem… I battle to be moderate when it comes to food.  Especially delicious, yummy, cooked by my husband food…

I eat when I am hungry.

I eat from enjoyment.

I eat when I am bored.

I eat when I feel anxious.

I eat when I am lonely.

I eat when I am fearful.

I eat to make sure I am still eating.

I eat just to eat.

And I figure no diet or trying to eat in moderation will work until I get my mindset right.  And that isn’t easy…

I eat when I am hungry.  Okay, this one I well, I gotta to do to live.

I eat from enjoyment.  What else is there that I can do for enjoyment besides for eating?

I eat when I am bored.  When I find that enjoyment thing from above, perhaps I can do that instead of eating when I am bored?

I eat when I feel anxious.  I have to realise that there is a Blessed Controller and there is never truly a reason to be anxious.

I eat when I am lonely.  Perhaps connecting with my hubby and Baby Girl more would alleviate this – truly getting intimate with them and building lifelong connections with friends and family.

I eat when I am fearful.  Same as for anxiety.

I eat to make sure I am still eating.  If I’m alive – then I am eating.

I eat just to eat.  Perhaps finding something else to do and something else to think about…

Okay, I am still putting one foot forward on my weight loss journey.

Boot camp tonight – looking forward to that.  Last week I couldn’t walk from Boot camp.  Let’s see how I feel tomorrow…

Boot Camp = Pain

I have not been so sore as I was after my first boot camp session in my entire life.

In fact, on Friday (I went on Thursday night) I could hardly walk.  I tried to run a Parkrun on Saturday, and given that my legs felt like lead and completely rebelled against me, I figured that I did quite well just finishing, never mind doing a personal best time.

On Sunday I had to take an anti-inflammatory.

My legs were sore.

But, you know what?

It felt great.  My body had a really good workout and I felt a great sense of achievement.  An accomplishment that I had pushed my body to new heights that I had never done before.  I go again tomorrow night – I am apprehensive, nervous, but also a little excited.  🙂

Am I a boot camp convertee?



I did it!

I actually went…

For a moment there I was actually considering bowing out – graciously, of course, but just simply not showing up!  Then I started to feel all nervous, and shy, and my tummy started to hurt, and I started to think of plausible excuses…  I really was very nervous about going.  I had no idea what to expect, and I am so out of shape and so unfit, and have gained so much weight, I didn’t know if I could actually do the exercises.  The last thing I wanted was to embarrass myself by not being able to do the exercise – not because the exercises were complex but because I am so out of shape – or to fall and not be able to get up or something equally silly but just as embarrassing.

But, then I just simply went.

And I loved it.

Okay, I am so sore and so stiff today, I can barely walk (which is testament to the fact that I am completely out of shape), but I loved it.  It is so different from gym and so different from just running.  We ran across the field, skipped back, did planks, squats, jumping jacks, and a lot of other stuff I didn’t know I could do.  Some of the class go every day – for me, I think that’d be a bit insane and a little too much too soon.  So, I’m only going once a week, and I am looking forward to next week.  Even though I can barely walk this morning, I am actually looking forward to next week’s class.

Now, why on earth did I put this off for almost a year???

I haven’t weighed myself yet again – too scared to.  I think I’m just going to focus on exercising and trying not to eat the entire house afterwards (seriously, I was starving when I got home last night) and then see how things go… 😉

Yay, for Boot Camp!

Practice Saying NO!

I find it so ironic that I have gone from the naturally slender one in the group, to the largest one.  Just this past weekend, a friend took a photo of me and hubby standing together.  And I was shocked.  I had no idea that I had gotten so huge.  (Of course, it doesn’t help when one of the ladies in the group kept on bragging about how beautiful her body is.)  But, I was the smallest in the group, and I am now by far the largest.  In my mind, although I know on one level that I have a vast amount of excess weight, I still think of myself as that skinny girl from way back – and I think that is probably why I am battling to lose this weight.  I don’t see myself as being so huge; in my mind’s eye I am still that skinny little girl…  I won’t really have the victory if I don’t acknowledge it, see it, and then move to where I want to be.

So, besides for signing up for Boot Camp (I have my first session tomorrow and I am so, so nervous – I have no idea what to expect), I think I also need to practice the fine art of saying NO!  Before I fell pregnant and gained all this weight, I always used to say No.

  • No thank you to the extra glass of wine;
  • No thank you to desert;
  • No thank you to chocolate (I never used to have a sweet tooth – I have since honed the skill of needing a chocolate on a regular basis);
  • Sometimes even no thank you to breakfast…

Now, I say yes to everything.  Sometimes even to seconds and thirds…

Now, I need to start saying No.  I suppose there will be many times I will fall – saying yes to chocolate is a lot easier to learn than saying no to chocolate…  But, I am trying.  Just last night I got a free smoothie from Kauai and whereas I would normally have a smoothie AND then still have supper, I only had a small bite of supper.  I was starving when I went to bed, but I made it through and only had my breakfast this morning.  It’s not much – but I do hope it is a step in the right direction.

The character trait needed for this is perseverance: to keep practicing the fine art of saying, “No, thank you” as opposed to saying yes to everything edible.

The Baby Mama