A Food Diary!

Dum, dum, dum!!!

Yes, I am now keeping a food diary.  I have always been totally against keeping a food diary, because my theory has always been to change how one thinks about food and that will show itself out naturally in one’s relationship to food.

Working?  Uh, not much...

My biggest issue isn’t so much wanted to eat as it is scared of not eating.  And yet, there is this thought forming in my head that we need to eat just enough to sustain our lives – we don’t live to sustain our eating (well, at least we shouldn’t live to sustain our eating).  And I am also realising that action, combined with new thinking, is what changes what we do and think.  I can’t just focus on the one side of the coin.

And so far, I have been pleasantly surprised – I am eating a lot more than what I need to.  I can see that.  But, I am also eating a lot less than what I thought I was.  Which may just be a good thing.  Anyway, we (hubby and I) met someone who can work out an eating plan based on what we’re currently eating.  It will be embarrassing to give this to her, because I eat mostly from anxiety and not from hunger, but at least having a plan will mean I have a way to make sure that my body is receiving healthy nutrition and is being sustained effectively.  From there, I have something to work with: i.e. if I’m feeling anxious, but I have eaten according to my eating plan, I can lay my anxiety to rest, because I have eaten according to my eating plan.  Or, if I’m feeling anxious and I haven’t eaten, I have some ideas on what to work with instead of just striking out with toast (and loads of butter and Marmite) and coffee.  She has asked that we keep a food diary for three days, but I am going to do this for a week, because I am far more in control of my eating at work than I am at home.

Am I nervous?

Yes, yes, I am.  I am going to be giving up my control – the control of eating and food that I think I have and learning a new way to relate to food.  And learning something new is never easy.  I worry about how I am going to react, can I control my anxiety and my cravings, what if my sugar drops, or I start to feel sick?  So, the most important thing I will be doing here is surrendering control.  I don’t know if I have it within me to do this.  But, I do know that I have a God who loves me more than anything, who is completely invested in banishing fear from my life and to make me more like Christ and who is completely and totally on my side.  So, yeah, tomorrow I may wake up and decide I can’t do this.  But, somehow, I have to push through.

Where angels fear to tread…

And then I am scared of failure –

What if I am caught in this limbo of fear and anxiety for the rest of my life?  Never really moving beyond this or getting out of it; always stuck in could’ve, would’ve, should’ve…  And never reaching that goal of eating and honouring my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit, or giving my husband what he married, not what I’ve become…

In God do I trust!

Perfect love, fear and being sick!

Last week, I wasn’t well.  I had some sort of tummy bug, then went and ran a 15 km road race which caused the tummy bug to become an inflammation of my intestines.  Or something like that.  I have not felt that nauseous or ill in a very long time.

In fact, I felt so bad, and had such bad tummy aches, that I could not sleep.  Now, no self-respecting parent will pass up a night’s sleep for no reason.  I mean, seriously?

Anyway, after going back to the doctor twice, and then getting three lots of meds, I finally mended and could start eating.  There are two things that caught my attention during this time:

  1. I didn’t feel that same sense of panic I would normally feel when I didn’t feel like eating.  Part of me just accepted it – I thought I would panic, but I didn’t.  Growth, right?  Yeah, well, I hope so.  It is this fear that has haunted me for much of my life that has caused me to balloon and put on so much weight.  So the fact that I could go for almost an entire week and not eat, and not panic about it, is probably the growth I am looking for.
  2. However, having said that, I am the only person on the face of this planet who can have a tummy infection for a week, not eat anything the entire week (well, no normal meals anyway) and not lose weight.  Why?  Because I lived on toast.  Toast and marmite – to make sure I was eating.

So, while I didn’t feel the panic I would normally, which is great, I did make sure I was eating.  Toast and marmite.  Which isn’t that great.  I should’ve just let my body be and listen to my body.

Anyway, I just read a quote that I love – I couldn’t see the source, so let’s just say it’s from anonymous:

God loves you more in one mere moment of your life than anyone can love you for an entire lifetime.

Isn’t that awesome?  God loves us so much, and if we could only realise just how safe we are in that love, we wouldn’t allow any fear to control or dominate any part of our lives.

Once you allow fear to control (which is what I have done) it is so hard to crawl your way out of fear, and into love.  But, my prayer is this: to learn to live life from a base of love, and not a base of fear.

1 John 4:18 NLTSuch love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear.  If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.